THE problem of comparing oneself to others

Things to think about if you’re struggling with comparing your life to others (from a Narrative Therapy perspective)

Written By Bao Yang, MSW, LCSW

When I had my first child in 2023, I did not realize that the hardest part about being a mom was being kind to myself. I came to recognize that what fueled this problem was the urge, need, etc. to compare myself to other parents. This, in turn, caused a lot of anxiety and pressure to do better, because the message I began operating on was “A mom should be able to do it all.”

If you’re recognizing that comparing yourself to others is affecting your life, in a way that you disagree with, then I invite you to read further.

Ask yourself: Where am I getting this message from?

Someone may look at this problem and say, “I don’t know how to be happy, because I like to compare myself to others.”

Philosopher John Locke believed that we are born a blank slate, our thoughts are instead shaped and molded by our experiences. We are not born with the undeniable truth that we don’t know how to be happy or that we like to compare ourselves to others. Instead, I would ask you to think about where you received this message from.

If we were to examine where the idea of “We should compare ourselves to others”, we may find that the idea may have come from family members, capitalism, social media etc.

On an individual level, we may have grown up with households where our parents compared us to other siblings, neighbor’s kids, cousins, etc. On a higher level, capitalism tells us to compete for survival - and that our only value is what we bring and can do for others. And not to mention, that capitalism also pushes the idea that we are expendable if we are not longer “useful”. And social media has added fuel to the problem.

ask: do you agree with this idea?

Once you’ve been able to trace where these messages come from, you might recognize that it’s possible to disagree with these messages/this problem. Then you might start to ask yourself:

1) Am I ok with the way this problem has affected my life?

2) If this problem had its way, what does it want for my life?

3) What is possible for me, if I were to no longer align with this problem in my actions, in my thinking, etc.

Ask: Who can I go to for support with this problem?

Problems are really great at convincing us to keep them a secret. Problems might tell us "Everyone else has it together.”

Problems, though, often lose some of their hold on us when we open up to others. We may find that other people struggle with it too.

If you don’t already have a natural community or person to talk to, know that there are support groups out there for everything. And, fortunately, we live in a time where the internet has allowed us to find groups if there are none in our area. And if support groups are not your thing, one on one therapy is recommended.

Hello,

I am a therapist, based out of Milwaukee, WI. My work is informed by the Narrative Therapy perspective. I believe that the stories we tell ourselves are an essential part of working through the problems in our lives. If you resonated with anything written here and want to connect, please feel free to reach out to me via my contact page.