Maintaining Connections During political times
Reflections on how to we hold onto connections with others during times of political division.
Before I even begin, I want to make clear that this article is NOT for those who has made the decision that they are not going to talk about politics with a certain person in their life at this time. That is an absolute valid position to take; I can write a whole article on why I agree that healthy conversations around politics, religion, and money are really hard, and most times one or neither person in the conversation are in the right state of mind to engage in those conversations. Nor is this a guide to stay connected with a person that you deeply disagree with morally and deemed that you no longer want to have communications with them. I (random therapist on the internet) give you full permission to not read this article further and to continue setting your boundaries.
With that being, as we enter the cycle of a general election, with our media (and phones) inundated with political news stories, it can be impossible to avoid political conversations with family and friends. So how do we do that in a healthy way when we disagree?
1) Reflect on why
One can make a good case that who and what we support are strong reflections of our values and morals. And yet, I’ve seen that when asked why someone is voting for a person or idea, people from all parts of the political spectrum say something along the lines of “I just want to put food on the table for myself and my kids.” If we can dig deeper into conversations, we find that it’s not “I’m voting for X, because I love them.” It’s instead, “I’m voting for X, because it’s important that I take care of my family (a value).”
All this to say, that when a conversation feels hard and triggering, think not just about what is said to you verbally but what is not said. What is implied? What is conflicting with your values? Start there. Example: “When you talk about Black Lives Matter in that way, I worry that you feel a certain way about your grandchild who is a person of color.” “Hearing that you want to vote for someone who will take away my right to choose, makes me feel that you don’t care about my wellbeing as your daughter.” “When we disagree so much politically, I worry that maybe we are growing apart as friends.”
It’s easier for someone to argue for or against something when the idea feels disconnected from them. If we can personalize these ideas, then it makes real that these ideas are not just hurting random people, it’s hurting someone we know and care about. Furthermore, it opens up the door to have conversations without the distraction of big political ideas. We may not know where to begin talking about human rights or immigration issues, but we have experience discussing worries and hurt feelings.
2) Maintain a level of curiosity
Go into the conversation with the goal of getting to understand the person’s side and how they came to that conclusion. Resist the want to persuade or win the debate.
3) Stay Connected
Strengthen your knowledge and appreciation for someone outside of their political ideas. If the only interaction you have with someone ends negatively due to a conversation about politics, then there will be a negative association with them. We may start to have strong feelings whenever we think about seeing them again. We can break that association by building up other associations outside of just negative feelings. This person was someone you may have enjoyed fishing with, taking walks with, baking cookies with, etc. before political division created this disconnection.
4) Remember What we are not
We are not our government, we are not the political party we assign ourselves to. Specifically for me, I do not speak nor share the same beliefs as all Hmoob/Hmong people, I do not speak for or share the same beliefs as all Asian people. We have the right to change our minds, grow, and be complicated. These political ideas/conversations are external to who we are.
In other words, don’t assign the other person to represent an idea/party, nor assign YOURSELF the speaker for an idea/party. Instead, recognize that just as we can agree with an idea, we have the ability to disagree with an idea as well. We can be something other than what we have been.
Nyob Zoo (hello)
I am a therapist, based out of Milwaukee, WI. My work is informed by the Narrative Therapy perspective. I believe that the stories we tell ourselves are an essential part of working through the problems in our lives. If you resonated with anything written here and want to connect, please feel free to reach out to me via my contact page.
-Bao